How do I explain migraines to someone that has never had one? And how to explain having one constantly, on
the reg, with an aura. I will try. You feel like a
lesser version of yourself, operating at a “C” or “D+” level. Like you’re extremely hung over, but haven’t
drank in days. You are now lackluster
about the things you normally enjoy. It
takes a lot of effort to even talk. You
thank the stars (similar to the spots floating around in your vision) that your
boyfriend is really helping the team average by keeping conversations
going. You have to mentally work
yourself up to have a phone call. You
only want to be around people you are comfortable with that you know will not
cause any stress, and sometimes don’t want to be around any human beings at all. Dogs are welcome, they seem to sense when you
aren’t feeling well and don’t require a response. Meeting new people is utterly exhausting, but
you usually love to. You try to power
through because you feel guilty missing yet another outing or more days or
work, but all you want to do is lay down.
Every morning you wake up hopeful, searching your eyes to see if the
dreaded spots are still there. You are
more sensitive to light, sound, and smells.
Everything seems… dreary. You
know you aren’t showing the proper levels of enthusiasm, but can’t seem to
change it. I was walking through the
grocery store on Friday and my boyfriend Troy brought over sunflowers and another bouquet of
purple flowers for me and asked me if I liked that kind. I gave him a bleak smile. A woman next to me exclaimed, “That is just
so adorable! He is such a keeper!!!” I knew that is how I should be reacting, but
all I could do was nod my head politely.
You feel like you are observing the world go on around you and you can’t
participate the way you’d really like to.
My sister and I both get migraines, but different
types. Our bodies seem extremely
sensitive to just about everything. The
reality is, you don’t always get a perfect night’s sleep, have low stress, eat
perfectly, and exercise….not too much, but just right. But when you don’t do all of these things and
maintain perfect balance…. you regret it.
I had my first migraine when I was little and remember
clutching my head and crying while hoping I’d soon drift off to sleep and it
would mercifully end. My next memory is
a series of migraines my senior year of college towards the end of basketball
season. I remember holding my head on
our bus traveling to an away game. They
picked back up when I worked at Deloitte.
When I got my first aura, I thought I was going blind and walked into an
eye doctor’s office. Hootie and the
Blowfish “I Go Blind” became my favorite song.
When I was about 25 I got to the point where I had a migraine every day
for six months. I would pull over on the
side of the road and throw up on the way to work. Some mornings I would throw up into the trash
can at my desk at work, fueling the rumor mill that I was preggers. I had a cat scan and tried all the medication
out there. I quit coffee. I stopped eating lunchmeat (RIP turkey
sandwiches). Finally one glorious
morning a coworker asked if I ever tried chiropractic. Miraculously that had never been
suggested. I made an appointment that
day.
I was diagnosed with forward head posture likely from
staring down at a laptop all day and being 6’3’’. It took about a month of going to the
chiropractor (mad props to Dr. Ruocco in Ohio!) before I had my first migraine free day. I burst into happy tears when I had gone 12
hours without seeing spots. I didn’t
want to jinx it earlier in the day. My
migraines had gotten so bad that I barely made it to the gym. During that month, even if I was feeling awful,
I forced myself to start working out again almost daily. Dr. Ruocco introduced me to whole foods
and a plant based diet. I had never
before been truly educated on nutrition, I only knew mainstream. I got a new job that would be less hours and
no travel. I took a month off in-between
jobs. I started a cleanse where I only
ate organic fruits, vegetables, brown and wild rice, and small portions of
chicken and fish and I lost 17 pounds. I
wasn’t exactly sure which triggers were mine so I tried to eliminate every
possible one. I was desperate from being
in a migraine abyss for so long and every hour I went without one I was hungry
for more. I soaked in all possible
information. After the cleanse, I stuck
to the diet for the most part with some exceptions. Every day my migraines became milder and
milder. Eventually I got to the point
where the ratio of migraine free days was more in my favor.
The past year the migraines have begun creeping up on me
again (cue TLC). Migraines became the
norm and I didn’t even realize it was happening. I eat pretty clean. I work outregularly. I am happy with amazing people in my
life. I drink alcohol only socially and less
than I ever have. I live on one of the
most relaxing spots possible on the lake.
I am dating a chiropractor so needless to say I get adjusted fairly often. Why is this happening? I am trying to climb my way back out. It’s been two months now and I can’t remember
a day where I haven't see spots. I am
trying to cut my work hours down and not feel guilty about it. I am being diligent about getting adjusted
chiropractically and having deep tissue massages. I started going to
acupuncture.
My new acupuncture doctor, Dr. Bishop, made me realize I am in a constant
stressed state of fight or flight. My
pupils are dilated. My lip or nose twitches
occasionally. After acupuncture my
entire body feels relieved. Stress seems
to be a huge trigger for my migraines, but I’m not quite sure why it is so bad
or how to stop it. I have naturally
migrated to all the exercises that help relieve stress where you focus on
breathing and movement over the past few years; swimming, yoga, biking, and
paddle-boarding. It seems to help, if I
can just get myself up and going. I
started doing positive affirmations.
I get stressed about having migraines. I have been unable to stop from crying
randomly the past three days out of frustration when all I want to do is enjoy
my normal life, but there are these large spots flying all over the place and I
am in a constant state of fatigue. I
know I am not myself with every interaction and it’s impacting me at work, with
my friends and family, my boyfriend, with strangers. I am sure I have lost friends because I just
don’t have the energy. I wish they could
see more of the normal amber. I worry
about my migraines are impacting my relationships which I’m sure is compounding
the stress.
I hate to talk about my migraines (minus this blog ha ha)
because it’s the same old story. It’s
like groundhog day. And if you tell
someone you have one, they want to usher you straight to bed. But how do you explain to them that it’s only
a “mild” one and you are only seeing a few spots. It’s manageable. You know they mean well and just want to
help, but if I went to bed every time I had a migraine, I would never
leave.
I see people all the time that are worse off with cancer or
something else and feel guilty even talking about my migraines that I have
learned to live and function with. I
have the utmost appreciate for good health.
A coworker told me a few weeks ago that I am the happiest person they
have ever seen at work. I stared at them
in disbelief thinking in my head that I was doing a darn good job with my
façade. I feel like nemo, “just keep
swimming, just keep swimming.” I will
keep doing the right things and hope the results come again, fingers
crossed. In the meantime, I hope the
real Amber has enough flashes through to keep my relationships going so I can
return again to my migraine-free life.
Thanks for sharing. I'm sharing this with Hayden, I had migraines like this starting at age 9 and I was able to control them by meditation. My daughter now has them 7 yrs now, it's very frustrating as a parent n I think being able to help. I do understand and I wish I could take them away from her. I bought 4 Himalayan Salt lamps for thr house. They seem to work but you can't carry them know your back everywhere. People just don't understand how you explained it exactly!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Amber
Tina
Tina, check out this contest to win a free wellness retreat in Asheville for migraineurs! https://www.omofficial.com/om-escape-contest
DeleteThanks for sharing. I'm sharing this with Hayden, I had migraines like this starting at age 9 and I was able to control them by meditation. My daughter now has them 7 yrs now, it's very frustrating as a parent n I think being able to help. I do understand and I wish I could take them away from her. I bought 4 Himalayan Salt lamps for thr house. They seem to work but you can't carry them know your back everywhere. People just don't understand how you explained it exactly!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Amber
Tina