Oatmeal now served with a dash of Roundup.

This piece originally appeared on elephant journal, here. 

“Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.” – Chief Seattle

I used to ferociously pump “he who should not be named” (aka Roundup or Voldemort) all over the yard of my first house because I was working long hours like my neighbors and that’s what we did to get rid of weeds. It has been advertised as a miracle product just like the heroine cough syrup produced by Bayer Laboratories in the 1890’s and I thought it was all gravy. Did you know that Roundup, developed by Monsanto, was recently acquired by Bayer?

 “Risk comes from not knowing what you’re doing.” – Warren Buffett

I’m now a dog walker and my furry friends and I stroll past a lot of yards. There are some days when I come home with bloodshot eyes and a headache from the fumes radiating off the lawns. I started to question and research what has become commonplace for yard maintenance. The research didn’t give me the warm and fuzzies’ and I have learned to vehemently veer away from any of those tiny plastic signs proclaiming with pride that this yard was just treated by the “Mosquito Man!” or “Lawn and Order” (names fabricated for the purpose of this story).

I found there are whole books devoted to this topic! Check out Whitewash: The Story of a Weed Killer, Cancer, and the Corruption of Science by Carey Gilliam published just in 2017. One could say, as a result, I’ve developed a bit of an aversion to using chemicals in an attempt to constrain nature.

Glyphosate is the active ingredient in Roundup and is used world-wide as a herbicide (RIP herbs). Now when I say world-wide I don’t mean third world countries where like don’t give a sh*t if there is a dandelion in their yard and they would likely make a delicious tea out of it.

Monsanto/Bayer offers genetically modified seeds resistant to glyphosate called “Roundup Ready crops”. Farmers can spray the chemical like a bottle of champagne on New Year’s Eve all over their genetically modified crops and the crops will live on while the weeds can’t stay awake to see the ball drop at midnight. How’s that for a business model?

You know how our gut health and microbiome is all the rage in wellness nowadays? Glyphosate prevents plants from making certain proteins that are needed for plant growth and targets an enzyme found in plants and microorganisms. There is current research being done on the impact of glyphosate use on a whole slew of things including, but not limited to, the decline of the honey bee population, the lingering effects of glyphosate in the soil, and human gut bacteria health.

“Some day we shall look back on this dark era of agriculture and shake our heads. How could we have ever believed that it was a good idea to grow our food with poisons?” – Jane Goodall

In a 2015 investigation by the International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC), they labeled glyphosate as Group 2A probablycarcinogenic. This is smack dab in the middle of Group 1 carcinogenic and Group 2B possibly carcinogenic. May the odds be ever in your favor. Many countries didn’t like these odds and have banned or restricted the use of the glyphosate.

In a conference call on glyphosate litigation in August of 2018, Bayer states, “Farmers and growers have been using glyphosate safely and effectively for more than 40 years.” Bayer goes on to mention all of the historical studies done supporting this claim…studies that have controversy around them. Bayer shared there are over 8,000 plaintiffs—thousands of lawsuits against Roundup from people that have developed non-Hodgkin lymphoma and other forms of cancer and claim Monsanto knowingly hid the cancer danger. It may be time to look at glyphosates with fresh eyes eh?

On August 10, 2018, the Superior Court of San Francisco found Monsanto liable in a lawsuit by a school groundskeeper that alleged the herbicides Roundup and Ranger Pro containing glyphosate caused him to develop non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Bayer’s response is, “This verdict is inconsistent with the robust science-based conclusions of regulators and health authorities worldwide, and we believe it is wrong.” Did I mention in 2017 Monsanto made over $14 billion in sales on the chemical and corresponding glyphosate resistant seeds? Ken Cook, President of the Environmental Working Group, response to the verdict was “Monsanto made Roundup the OxyContin of pesticides and now the addiction and damage they caused have come home to roost.” You gotta’ love good metaphor use.

On August 15, 2018, the Environmental Working Group (EWG) released a report finding elevated levels above what they would consider safe of glyphosate in 31 of the 45 popular breakfast foods made from oats grown in fields sprayed with the herbicide.  Now that’s a breakfast of champions. Who needs a shot of wheat grass when we can have weed killer! Oh those yummy Quaker oatmeal squares? Those had the highest levels. The levels were within regulatory limits set by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).

September 27, 2018, the EWG, Ben and Jerry’s, Stonyfield Farm, Nature’s Path, and other food giants petitioned the EPA to limit glyphosate residues allowed on oats and prohibit its use as a pre-harvest drying agent. Band together brothers!

Now I’m not in the big agriculture game and don’t know enough about large scale farming and feeding the masses to chime in…although I hear there’s this old school thing called “crop rotation” and ploughing that worked well for hundreds of years without chemicals, but I digress. While I don’t have a direct say in how the food is produced, I do have a choice in what food I choose to support with my dolla’ dolla’ billz’ and I choose to eat non-GMO when possible—the same kind of food my ancestors scarfed down.

I received an email from our neighborhood’s home owner association (HOA) this fall with their tips to get our lawns looking Stepford Wife status. Tip number one was, “Start in mid-August and start killing the invasive weeds. Use Roundup for Bermuda grass (2 applications, 2 weeks apart), or broadleaf weed killer for other noxious weeds.” I had visions of homeowners and golf courses all over the country receiving this same popular tip and streams of chemicals trickling down, making their way into the lake we swim in with our dogs.

We are in the suburban yard game. I can control is what I put in our own patch of grass and this year we retired our controversial Roundup chemical and took strides to try it all natural with aeration, organic mushroom compost to fertilize, grass seed, and good old fashioned weed pulling.

Is this more time intensive? Yes, but we’re ok spending a few more hours outside grounding and enjoying the fresh, chemical free air and burning calories pulling weeds and not our eyes.

Is there indubitably more clover in our yard than yards watched over by Voldemort’s dementors? Yes, but clover is f*cking adorable. How else does one search for four leaf clovers if they’ve all been wiped out by acrid chemicals? And dandelions and the “he loves me, he loves me not” game are a childhood staple, let’s bring them back in style.

Let’s not wait for all of the 8,000 plus litigation cases to pan out years from now to see the writing on the wall, or in this case the topping on our oatmeal.

Many thanks, your neighborhood dog walker and novice gardener.

Lobstah Chronicles

I hadn't vacationed in over six months and I was raring to go. Every cell in my body was itching to travel. I consciously vowed not to work like a madwoman up to the last minute, pack until two in the morning, and return home to a tornado. This time, I slowed down my schedule leading up to our departure. I cleaned the house, fooling our dog walker into thinking we don't live in a sea of fur. The night before we left we had a home cooked meal and took a long bath to unwind and kick-start our vacation.

Off to Portland (of the Maine variety) we went! We started our phone detox with a vow not to check email, Facebook, or Instagram and just scan text messages and phone calls a few times a day for anything urgent (see dog walker above). Ping! Others on our plane were very clearly not on a phone detox. Ping! I guess vibrate mode is no longer hip. Ping!

After a relaxing flight of me draping myself over Troy to nap, we drove to Old Orchard Beach just outside of Portland for our first East Coast meal. We landed on Joseph's by the Sea, which had a rooftop patio with a view of the ocean and had been around for fifty years.

The smell and feel of the sea air, albeit a tad more fishy than usual, wafted by. We bundled up in our jackets while the locals waltzed around in shorts and tank tops during their "heat wave." We had our first lobstah' roll, mayo based, and bowl of chowdah'. The lobster was surprisingly soft and dissolved in my mouth. These rolls became fabled for a reason.

We took a stroll on the beach and noticed a lot of white dots in the water. As we came closer to the shoreline we discovered dozens of dead fish...and very plump seagulls. You couldn't walk more than a few feet before seeing another. We then noticed the red algae swirling in the water. I had no idea the toxic red tide impacted that far up the coast. I felt dismayed. No one was playing in the water during this alleged heat wave.

We walked away from the shoreline and sat on a bench, letting the sound of the waves relax us.

We started the beautiful drive (based on Troy's account...I was keeping my pro napper status) to Sunapee, New Hampshire. It looked an awful lot like North Carolina with the green trees surrounding the roadway. Sunapee is straight out of a Hallmark movie, it is so quaint and adorable. My cousin and his soon to be wife had a welcome dinner on the MV restaurant ship.

We ate from a wicked salad bar and southern entrees while cruising Lake Sunapee. It was great to catch up and story tell with my sisters, their significant others, and cousins.

The next morning we searched yelp and google for local breakfast establishments to no avail. Despite the abundance of maple syrup, breakfast was no where to be found. Wherever does all the syrup go? Quite confusing really.

Chomping on our granola bars from our wedding welcome bags, we hit the road to check out the Fells historic estate and gardens. The Fells was built by John Hays, Abe Lincoln's right hand man. I was taken aback by how beautiful the gardens were and I loved all the the little stone benches. Who knew stone could be so dang charming!

We took a hike through the virgin timber forest on the John Hays Ecological trail. The bright green moss was dazzling. We stepped over large boulders (well, some of us tripped cough Troy cough), saw lots of ferns, and dying white birch trees. Upon research these trees have short life spans and are shade intolerant so as the forest grows they die off. I was in my happy place, migraine auras clearing. That forest aroma just makes you feel good all over.

We met up with the family at Bubba's for lunch. We shared our picture of a moose and had everyone fooled into thinking we spotted one...we had but it was from a sculpture exhibit.

We had a hot buttered lobstah' roll and it was succulent, the mayo version seeming unimpressive. More chowdah. I could eat chowdah' all day, but alas we had a wedding to get ready for.

To get to the wedding ceremony we got to ride the ski life up the summit of Mount Sunapee. This was the longest lift I've ever been on and the view! It looked like a watercolor painting in the backdrop with overlapping pastel mountain ridges.

I loved watching the emotions during the beautiful ceremony. My favorite part is when the minister said the wind is the spirits of the ones that are no longer with us and to take a moment of silence to honor them and feel the breeze and the breeze picked up at that exact moment!

On to celebrate! Cocktail hour did not disappoint. Have you ever had green onions dipped in artichoke dip? You should. The speeches, Troy's favorite part of weddings, were on point; a balance of humor, reflection, and love. Despite my desire not to delay dinner, I was inspired and felt compelled to speak, sharing the story of my cousin sending me a letter years ago that ended with, "P.S. I'm going to ask Caroline to marry me." I tore the house apart trying to find that bloody letter to frame for them to no avail!

On to dancing, my favorite part of weddings, and the bouquet toss. I was a shoo in given my wingspan. Luckily the bouquet split in two and I didn't have to take it from the flower girls...we each got our own. Despite my excitement over my fate, it was very anti-climatic. Troy was in the bathroom at the time and my entire family was out on the patio. No one seemed to care that I was now surely going to soon be engaged to be married. I was happy to hear a guy saw Troy exiting the bathroom and exclaimed, "She caught it!" I'm not sure if he said it apologetically or excitedly.

We ended with pie, such a unique and lovely touch, in honor of the bride's mom. She believed if you always brought a homemade pie to a get together you'd always be invited back! I am a huge fan of pie and happily savored the raspberry delight.

Heading back to Portland the next morning we were in luck, the East Coast does believe in Sunday Brunch! We stopped at the Breakfast Club in Manchester. I felt the need to get an item that required maple syrup and chose the french toast. I have never had a bad piece of french toast and this was no exception.

After another nap er drive back to Portland we wandered around the cobbled town checking out the shops.

We stopped at the Liquid Riot Brewery. We landed prime time seats on the back patio overlooking the water and began our seagull observation.

The Tropical Storm sour beer was good, but not quite as tart as I prefer. Troy gave their IPAs two thumbs up.

On to Sebago Brewing Company. Super excited to try the cranberry sour "Bog So Hard", I was a little let down by the lack of tartness as well. There was a faint flavor of cranberry if you knew what you were expecting. The chowdah wasn't homemade so we passed. The IPAs didn't pass the Troy Test. Womp Womp.

We walked through DiMillo's floating restaurant, but it seemed too cruise ship and I started having flashbacks and we proceeded on to Scales. The entrance is tucked away down the wharf.

We were shocked to hear it would be a three hour wait, but consoled when the bar wait was thirty minutes. As we waited in the convenient lounge area we met two people in the restaurant business there to eat and felt confident in our dinner selection. I wasn't overly impressed with the fried cauliflower, it was a little bland, but every other bite I wanted to imprint in my brain. The heirloom tomato salad was fresh with hints of basil. The cloverleaf rolls with garlic butter were like eating a cloud. I had to refrain from ordering more. We decided we had to try lobster outside of a roll and ordered one steamed. I watched on in mild astonishment as the local to the left of Troy grabbed a lobster leg right off Troy's plate, manhandled it, and showed him the proper way to eat it.

I splurged on a hotel room with a balcony and view of the water and Old Port. I love when I can get to fresh air which is rare in a hotel. We were so excited to discover we could hear the live outdoor music perfectly from our balcony, grabbed the complimentary throw blanket, and bundled up on the balcony chairs with the dreamiest view.

We slept for ten tranquil hours! We debated going to a local yoga class and decided we weren't ready to leave the view from our hotel room just yet. I laid out the throw blanket for a mat and settled in for a "home" practice, feeling more and more human with each minute as I found my breath and released travel tension. Feeling like a new woman, we headed to our last stop, Holy Donut. The line was halfway down the block, but moving quickly so we jumped in.

Half an hour later we left with half a dozen donuts and Maine blueberry coffee. Our donuts in order of favoritism; lemon, pomegranate, maple, Maine blueberry, vanilla glazed dark chocolate, vanilla glazed.

The only regrets from the trip were not having enough time to get more hiking in and Troy wanted to get out on the water to fish or crab.

I love traveling, and I especially love doing it with Troy, he is an amazing travel partner. I always feel at ease and relaxed and he supports my pro-napper ways. We include activities we each want to do and take it all in.

We didn't pick up the East coach accent, but did gain a greater appreciation for Lobstah...and breakfast.